geniesays.

2011-05-04T07:29:00.001+08:00

I going through this long phase of lost and despair.

2011-03-25T21:03:00.001+08:00

you said i could talk to you,

but i didn't know there was a time limit.

2011-01-20T23:38:00.002+08:00

maybe the easy way out is to sleep forever.

no more hurt, no more pain, no more sorrow.

no more anything.

2011-01-03T00:22:00.001+08:00

in 2010, I got hurt by love.

in 2011, I'm going to make love hurt.

2010-12-30T00:42:00.002+08:00

The other weekends didn't matter.

It was only Christmas that made me really really really really upset.

That's when I realized, for the rest of my life I'll probably spend my festivities alone.

But now I'm glad there's a happy medication around to make me feel less miserable.

vodkaaaaaaaaaaaaa, my new lover.rrr

2010-12-29T23:49:00.002+08:00

this too shall pass. this too shall pass. this too shall pass. this too shall pass. this too shall pass. this too shall pass. this too shall pass. this too shall pass. this too shall pass. this too shall pass. this too shall pass. this too shall pass. this too shall pass. this too shall pass. this too shall pass. this too shall pass. this too shall pass. this too shall pass. this too shall pass. this too shall pass. this too shall pass. this too shall pass. this too shall pass. this too shall pass. this too shall pass.this too shall pass. this too shall pass. this too shall pass. this too shall pass. this too shall pass. this too shall pass. this too shall pass. this too shall pass. this too shall pass. this too shall pass. this too shall pass. this too shall pass. this too shall pass. this too shall pass. this too shall pass. this too shall pass. this too shall pass. this too shall pass. this too shall pass. this too shall pass. this too shall pass. this too shall pass. this too shall pass. this too shall pass. this too shall pass. this too shall pass. this too shall pass. this too shall pass. this too shall pass. this too shall pass.

this heartache and tears shall pass.

2010-12-26T13:28:00.002+08:00

why must I wake up.

why don't those painkillers take away all the pain, that's what painkillers do don't they.

I'm hurting so much everywhere I really want to die.

2010-12-24T03:40:00.002+08:00

I like playing with babies.

they don't judge. they like you back, genuinely.

2010-10-26T20:23:00.000+08:00

Most of the time I feel inadequate.

I never am smart or filial enough for a daughter. I am never fun or listen enough to be a good friend.

And you always make me feel I'm lacking something I can give you as a lover.

2010-04-09T07:01:00.002+08:00

You were my star and solid rock for the past many months.

However when things took a cruel twist thia Valentine's. How you already wanted to break up since the second month, how you're planning your life on your own and most of the time with me knowing what's happening only when it's decided and put into plan. And all the littlest things that just crumble me away.

My star, which seemed like you're shining so brilliantly that it feels as if you don't need me in your universe at all, for you're doing so well shining.

My rock, so solid on his own stood so firm in his beliefs and thoughts that i feel i'm only of wind influence in his life.

I gave everything I had, to a guy who changed his mind.

When you came back wanting everything back, frankly speaking I didn't know what to do. A quarter of me wanted my star and rock back. A quarter shivered in fear when the memories of misery and tears came rushing back. A quarter wanted to just laugh in your face saying: NOW you know. A quarter of me just kept quiet, worried and scared because I finally stopped doing a series of stupid things to get over you, am I going back to that again?

I decided. This time round to be a star and rock on my own. For fear of hurting again. All your nice gestures and tolerance, really touched me and more than just a few times did I really want to go back into you embrace again. What really held me back was the thought of smokescreen. How long can you last, how much can you take.

I'm selfish. For fear of the pain, I'm not going to give my all. Though the time was short, I still managed to salvage that little bit of myself which I know I will really kill myself if I lose it again.

And moral values came into play. Like I've said, it's just wrong of me to see other people and hang onto you as well.

So I'm giving you up.

I really want to shine and be firm on my own, for once, for awhile.

I'm not harbouring hopes that you'll wait till the end. I'm not that confident, and I cannot be that selfish.

But time apart is what we need to see how important we are to each other. I'll miss you. Perhaps to a point I'll miss you till my heart ache (irony it is).

For you're still the star and rock in my life.

2010-02-22T03:52:00.002+08:00

想念也不能承认。

thats really how i survived for the past one week. Its not living in denial, more like i know i really want to move on and how pining for you won't help a single bit.

Done stupid stuff. Things that i'd never think im capable of, ive done them. But i stopped, because doing them will only further remind me of the reason im even attempting - you.

Resentment. The knowing that you'll probably have someone else on your mind now is a great motivation to stop me from thinking about you even more. Why do i have to give a shit to someone who doesnt care?
Thats why. 想念也不可以承认。

2010-02-16T11:19:00.002+08:00

Cos it's you and me no more.
我以为你能终究慢慢明白、不过你只是在决定你可以离开我的理由。

2010-02-14T18:11:00.002+08:00

i thought im doing very well so for for the past few hours. i really want to be okay and how i'm telling myself everything will be fine and i will be okay. how im trying to convince myself the tugging pain in my chest is normal and it will fade soon.

and when i had to break down into the comfort of my pillow, it hit me so hard i'll no longer have your arms around me again and it dawned on me. it's all my fault.

all from the start. it's all my fault for not being smarter and a better daughter for my parents and my fault i was the one who said no to leaving singapore. my fault for not being able to relax and good for my family there's always this air of awkardness around us at home. my fault for not being understanding and considerate towards my boyfriend he's leaving me right now.

since it's all my fault, i have no right nor allowed to wallow in self pity and tears right?

2010-02-13T09:28:00.002+08:00

it certainly hurt even more when you know you fucked things up and there's no turning back. when you really want the chance to reboot and start all over again and the chance will never be there - the regret and the heartbreak is almost overbearing.

if only there's a precription for heartache and grief.

waking up knowing that things won't be the same anymore made me went through a mental dash of options to relieve the pain and make sure everything is fine with me. rebounds, work, suicide, packing up everything here and leave left serious doubts in me. then i realised the only way of salvation for my dying heart is returning back to your embrace.

knowing that i may soon be out of your eyes kills. knowing that when i think of you, it'll really be just thinking is a torture.

loss. brings out things that should have replaced all my accusations and insecurities in the past. how im glad you're not reckless, don't smoke, not an alcoholic, your systematic way of doing things and the ability to maintain a passion in things.

all too late now ain't it.

if one last chance is bestowed, i'll know the importance of treasure. if the one last chance is gone, and i have to move on. really, where will i go?

2010-02-07T08:04:00.002+08:00

Ever get the feeling of being extremely terrified because danger is really lurking in front of you and you really have no other choice but to just bravely convince yourself it's going to be okay because the only source of help simply turn a blind eye to it because he deems getting the job done more important?

The fear and threats. The help denied. The source of comfort unreachable and unattainable in the end.

And when the fear fades and anger sets in. I realised i should have killed that fucker and that person just watched and walked off.

This is so horrible i feel like i'm choking right now with disgust. With that fucker, the man, and you.

2010-01-20T19:09:00.002+08:00

The last time i contracted conjuntivities, it was when I was in secondary school. It happened after i went f0r my kayaking Star 1 with yana and this other dude who's name i forgotten.

i remembered coming home to my mom telling me that my brother has contracted conjuntivities as well and i founf it damn amusing, laughed and told her: I GOT IT TOO! pulled down my lower eyelid to show my mum my redding and swollen eye.

My mum brought my brother and I to see the doctor the next day.

i've really forgotten that i contracted this eye infection before. i forgotten how awful it feels and how ineffective the cream and eye drops are to me. i forgotten how it was like missing my family.

it's always at the point when i'm sick and alone i really miss the presense of my family. how i realised at the end of the day, my parents and brother are going to be the ones giving me the unconditional love, concern and attention.

only my mum will understand and feel my agony, pain and lonliness of having to recover on my own. only my dad will make sure that i dont suffocate in my window-sealed room under my blanket. only my brother wont mind lying and wallowing in agony of the infection on the same bed as me, comparing who's eye is redder and more swollen.

to think of it. my last contact of conjunctivitis wasnt so bad at all. at least there was someone who made sure i applied cream and eye drops on time no matter how much i hated them. someone to cook me a meal with such loving care my stomach didnt have to go empty at anytime of the day. someone around to annoy me and for me to shout at so we wouldnt feel so lonely.

or make my life feel so empty.

2010-01-03T16:07:00.001+08:00

i will not tear for i am prepared.

i will not be pained for i am armoured.

i will move on for i am toughened.

2009-11-20T21:44:00.002+08:00

yar. came to this site just to listen to that 2 songs, without tapping on my itunes. on loop somemore - wonderful.

though i'm pretty sure no one comes here to read anymore due to that long stagnant period before this, i don't care, because im very bored, very tired and desparately need something to do. and im quite sick of re-reading the Twilight saga and i'm ignoring the stack of books waiting to be put back onto the shelf, the clothes that need washing... whatever.

the mind is very occupied right now. the type of busy mind which clips of random thoughts rushing through, lasting less than 3 seconds each. and before i can conclude or even grasp what i'm actually thinking about, another thought comes in.

should have went for js' bachelor party. but to think of it now, it's good that i'm not going at all tonight.

should have stayed at grandma's place. but i really cannot take the nagging anymore.

should have done proper financial planning when i started work. but spending lots of money is my second nature i can't seem to get rid of.

okay fine, i'll start with the next paycheaque.

maybe i'll go find marvin right now to come and assess my room for the revamp. but weekend night drag people out, later kim will kill me.

milktea with yihan? nah, shop close already.

i think i'll change bookstore membership from borders to kinokuniya when it expires next month.

maybe i'll go for milktea tmr.

no, have to get to the bank. NEED to do something about money like right away.

should i call the boyfriend? but maybe he's asleep or busy. i'll wait for The Message of the day. or maybe 2 to make up for yesterday as well.

wonder how will it be like to emcee on sunday. haven't spoken in front of alot of people since Open House this year.

maybe i'm too pale. and too fat.

the stupid crack on the heel is healing, but still very painful. fuck.

what's Bestie doing now? will Victor Huang still be our bestie?

it's like the fifth loop of the 2 songs i'm listening to right now. still not tired of it.

should i go beg js to consider his options again before it's too late?

i think boyfriend died. or his love did.

nah, i think the phone did.

SIGH.

okay i'm going back to twilight, clothes and stacking of books. this is getting nowhere.

2009-11-02T12:40:00.002+08:00

if only you knew,

how long i've been alone, how long i've been feeling so empty and scared.
how i wanted someone to come along, and change my life like you do.

if you know,

how these moments mean so much to me,
how your hugs, kisses and touch comforts and secures me.
and if only you knew how happy you're making me.

never thought i'll fall in love so deeply with anyone before.

i'm not the best person to fall in love with i admit.
i go crazy with emotions ever so often,
i think more than i need to.
i'll search for all the hints of tiresome and regret in you,
and kill myself with saddness,
that i'm the root cause of those feelings.

time and time again i looked at you and can't find the love you have for me no more.
time and time again i said to myself it is enough.

but then would come the time you take me into your arms,
when your touch tells me that you still want me.
and once again these words i'll have to say:

i can't get along, without you.

i'll be content.
to be without your kiss before work.
our long goodbyes before i went.

i'll change.
but for change is never easy,
will my love be patient and wait?

if only you know
how much you mean to me
how much i hope i mean something to you as well

for to the world you may be one person
but to one person, you are the world.

if only you know, maybe you'll understand.

2009-08-09T20:45:00.000+08:00

the feeling of being broken, trapped and heartache.

2009-06-05T22:16:00.004+08:00

when life is feeling stagnant, I love to look at recent photographs to tell myself: HEY! i do have a life after all!

aww. all the fun times i've spent ever since i came back like 1 month ago.

There was the Besties Full Trottle, of getting lost, missing exits and getting tanned on Changi Beach.

And I finally graduated from Ngee Ann Polytechnic. not very happy about the fact that I'm no longer a student in the possibly best school i've attended. but yar, it's still graduation.

and the fact that i'm involved in the school's top 10 graduation dinner is still a ouzzle i've yet to solve. but what the heck, huimei and jinhui were there to ease my bordom then.

then the craziest part of this month happed after the graduation dinner. getting drunk and high with vera chung diya and her friends. first time puking after drinks, and first time flying on that magic carpet. quite an experience, which im not very eager to try again.

O, and the going to zoo with children and throwing them into the tigers' den lunch with Gurion and Hannah. classic.

Then work at SGH started. thank goodnes people like Stef, Jolene, Victor, Cedric and Jamie rescued me from the no-life-working syndrome with MAMBO on a working night.

Have I introduced you to my new scandal? *Jonathan Chong! since i've havent seen you in sooooo long, you cant blame me for cheating on you with your best buddy!

yar. he's Victor Huang Shiqiang. that guy i didn't like from many years ago. Ta told this afternoon me she dreamt that I was preganant with Vic's kid. eww. later boss really kick the both of us out.

AND MY FAVOURITE PHOTO CURRENTLY. got such a xing fu feel right?

yeah man. i'm now a working adult. in Singapore General Hospital Major Operating Theatre. life is just starting for me :)

2009-04-25T16:14:00.002+08:00

maybe if i didn't sleep so much in the first month,

time would have passed slower.

maybe if i didn't complain that i don't have anything to do earlier,

i wouldn't have to go back, already.

damn scary, that i have to leave in another week's time.

already.

2009-04-18T07:33:00.003+08:00

i wonder what others do when they feel bored. sleep? watch a movie? read? haha, if you do that when you feel that life's stagnant, you're probably my best friend or something - cos we've got lots in common!

while waiting for THE FATHER to come home to bring us out for dinner.. i watched Army Daze for the second time, watched Angus Thongs and Perfect Snogging for the second time, attempted to go soul search by the pond, anddddddd i photo surf!

my 3rd fave pastime online.

and normally i only photosurf at these 2 sites:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/xxdaniel/page4/

it's a photo side from a Taiwanese photographer i chanced upon while researching on Black Bird Fly (o, im going to order it once i am back in Singapore!). his photos just gets better. and i think he's gay. sigh.

http://asianrabbit.deviantart.com/gallery/#_featured

and this! haha, im having a major crash with the photos this photographer, o pardon me, this artist with a camera, takes. hes a friend/classmate/iduno of Iggy Gwee, and i've been stalking his photos for ages. i've already eyed a few prints which i'm going to order soon.

ah, what better way to spent time online.

when you're bored.

2009-04-14T12:25:00.002+08:00

where did all the time fly to? omg, i'm going back to Singapore soon, like 3 more weeks soon. and i haven't shopped enough! not enough CK, Tommy Hilfiger, Guess..

sigh.

and i really want to visit more places, though i think i visited quite a number already. okay, report (or more to ensuring i'll never forget)! in the last 3 weeks, i've been to..

1. Detroit, Michigan
2. Orlando, Florida
3. Indiana
4. Ohio
6. West Virginia
7. Virginia
8. Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
9. Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
10. Maryland
11. New York
12. Wisconsin

and now i'm back to square one, ILLINOIS.

maybe i'll take the chance to fly west next week or something, at least somewhere in California.

despite the cold, and the long journey by road to everywhere. i really enjoyed visiting those places, especially Washington D.C and New York! omg, damn exciting just thinking back. DC was really great because it wasn't so cold when I visited and I LOVE THE MUSEUMS! and also the memorial halls fo Lincoln and Thomas Jefferson.

perhaps it's the lack of skyscrapers surrounding these magnificient structures, that make them look so.. magnificient. it's so incredible seeing them blending into the blue sky, and for Jefferson's case, surrounded by those beautiful cherry blossoms.

as for NYC. need i say more? the moment i saw those big billboards EVERYWHERE in Times Square, i thought my heart would burst with excitment. i can hardly describe the exhilaration i was expriencing there, it's really different from Chicago, and even Singapore. it was an experience to watch those people rush to work in Wall Street in the morning as well, handphones plastered to their ears, getting out of the subway, practically sprinting to work.

and i besides the billboards, i really love the subway in NYC! it's so mysterious, crowded, dirty, confusing and massive! 43 lines in total. it's as if getting lost is the norm, becuase not only me, the locals get lost themselves too.

i'll come back to these 2 cities again. soon, the next time i come back to the states. only in spring or summer time. NO MORE WINTER!

now, it's more IL, and figuring out how to pack.

2009-03-18T10:18:00.002+08:00

been feeling that spending my time in my parents' home in the states is like a total Me Time for the past 3 weeks. i get to sleep enough, eat good food, see nice things and most importantly have some time to think.

without the influence of work, studies, friends and i don't know, those things that influence, this is the period of time best for thinking.

however knowing myself, there's this particular night, i actually thought so much that it was worrying.

what if i get posted to a ward or discipline i don't like

what if i dont really like nursing after all

what if i can't survive on my salary

what if i dont get the promotions and qualifications i yearn to achieve

what if my parents are not coming back anymore

what if everyone else around me gets attached and married and im the only stupid one still on that shelf

what if its raining and i dont have someone for me to call for an umbrella

what if i get too old to have kids

what if i cant have children

what if i find out that theres something wrong with me and im going to die soon

all the what ifs. how to sleep like that you tell me.

all the uncertainties of life.

but hey, i seemed to forget who I am. I'm Eugenie Yien, i path my own destiny and fate. I love it today when i actually had the SO WHAT answers to all my WHAT IFs.

SO WHAT if i dont get the ward i want and i dont do well at work?
i'll just have to try harder, study more and... just try harder. no one has a career from day 1 of work right?

SO WHAT if my salary is low?
I can spend lesser - Friends, let's stick to hawker centres and home-cooked food. and keep me away from town

SO WHAT if my parents don't come back?
i think i did quite well staying out on my own. there's always the phone, ad i think the world's quite small now. and crying dont waste any money.

SO WHAT if i dont meet anyone who i love so much to marry?
whats wrong with that? i'm only 20. worse come to worse i'll consider keeping a pet.

SO WHAT if i cant have children?
i haven't really come up with an answer to that. so let's skip.

SO WHAT if i'm going to die?
i cant really help it right? what can i do? write a letter to God and complain? i think the chances of me reaching Him first is faster than the letter does.

SO WHAT if I dont have anyone to call for an umbrella when it rains?
I can walk in the rain.

so what? i'm Eugenie

2009-03-07T06:43:00.004+08:00

alright, the cold in Chicago is really getting to me. so I just stayed home today and arranged all my photos and decided to UPDATE this blog. yar im feeling quite bored. damn the cold.

february was interesting too! there was Valentine's Day, which i spent with Besties. haha feel so blessed. cos my 'boyfriend' was there too! though half the time he's like trying to run off to his friend's place. wth.

O, My Valentine

and yes! PRCP ended and im going to say bye bye to the Student Nurse satus and the Ngee Ann nursing uniform. eh, i cant find the dinner photos of us at Mount Sophia, so i'll leave it for the next time. *Marcus from Chalk is really.. woah!

And to celebrate the end of my student nurse journey in Ngee Ann, I made my virgin trip to club with Besties! though I didnt end up feeling high or ended up as drunk as Ta was (hey, not ews anymore eh. hah.), but it was great experience, and great time spent with Ta, Victor and Boyfriend! o yar, and waking up to Ta's hangovers - fantastic. haha

My Virgin Clubbing Experience

let's just say, with the first, the second will come soon. Mine came in a short 5 days. went Mambo with Junsheng, Vera and Justin, together with Ta and her friends. That was one mambo when I really felt like dying with JS's uncles crazy 4 jugs, plus the 2 we had before and the random bits which Ta fed me. first time mamboing with them went really well with getting high for the first time. glad to say the session ended with no causalites :)

Mambo Jumbo

well, the last part of the month really went to Ambassadors' Retreat 2009. I'll leave my heartfelt words for another post, because I really feel like dying from the fever alr. but I really love you guys in Ambs!

Ngee Ann Ambassadors' Retreat 2009

how nice, they left a spot for me ;)

will update soon with what ive been up to in the states. no worries there though, cos i assure all of you, you're not missing much.

tata for now!

2009-02-23T13:21:00.002+08:00

you know the type of feeling that stays with you when you did something stupid, you cant seem to get over it and the worse of it all is that you cant tell anyone?

that shit feeling is in now. fucking shithole.

2009-02-17T02:22:00.002+08:00

I came into nursing with myself mentally prepared to face death every now and then, as I know not every of my patients will recover and go home to their family members and normal livinghood.

However, I'm beginning to feel the strain of seeing patients to whom we've showered care and prayers of them recovering slowly passing on, or in this particular case which I'd encountered today, abruptly left his beloved family behind without much of a goodbye.

the numbness, denial and flashbacks of him smiling back to me just 2 hours before his collaspe was getting too much for me to bear, considering I'm quite careful about being emotionally attached to patients under my care.

I'm not too sure about how I should conclude this, but I know I'll get over it soon, because in the end, we just have to let go.

To the patients of Bed 9/3, 9/5, 10/4, 8/1, 18/1, 12/1, 7/1 and 1/1:

Thank you for showing me the wonders of patience, perserverance and determination to fight on till the very end. And the courage of living life to the fullest even though everything else seems bleak.

We were meant to lose people. How else would we know how important they are?

- The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

2009-02-06T05:22:00.001+08:00

since im so good at psychoing myself of certain matters. i shall start now, and today. i will forget and not continue my current behaviours and efforts any longer.

come on Eugenie, 13 days is not that long.

2009-01-28T23:56:00.003+08:00

In January 2009, there was the..

My last Ngee Ann Open House 2009 involvement as an Ambassador

the much anticipated Operating Theatre Posting in SGH

and the uneventful yet one of the most memorable Chinese New Year and TeoXu's 23rd.

and i dont feel like continuing anymore. chao!

2008-12-31T23:22:00.002+08:00

seriously i have no idea what i did for the past few new year's eves, but this year, i'm obviously not partying or spending it having fun anywhere because i have freaking work tomorrow!

besides, i hate making new year resolutions, because if i do, i'll most probably spend today every year miserable, realising how many of those resolutions turned out unaccomplished and worse, forgotten.

but i guess for 2009, things can afford to be abit different as it is going to be so different! i'm saying goodbye to student life for the first time in 13 years and start my journey as a working adult. omg, the thought scares me already.

therefore, instead of making those damn resolutions, i'm going to make a list of things i look forward to be doing in 2009, in no particular order:

Stop spending so much money every month. (very vague i know, but better than nothing. $10 lesser i also happy)
Finish my driving course
Finish my French lessons
Continue with my volunteer work at Heartware as much as i could
Visit 2 new countries (USA and once other, France maybe)
Not be so life-less once i start work
Embrace working life with much enthusiasim (3 years not that long also)

alright, i think that's a long enough list, and i'm quite confident that i'll be able to clear a couple for them before June next year. haha, so happy thinking of it now.

enough about myself and the random nothings. as the year tickles to another end.. I would like to give thanks and love to all my friends who have been around me for everything, espcially...

* Chester, Jolene, Stef and Elliott for school. You guys gave me the ultimate reason to even turn up, besides fulfillling the attendance.

* Amanda, Shyam, Teo Xu, okay and for a few weeks Jeg & Yong Shun for the random outings, meeting random friends and new people and the funniest time i've had in 2009

* Carmelita, JC & Victor for being my Besties and JC for the Boyfriend part! All the HTHT, spontanous outings and the spontaneous PS-ing from the side most of the time. I really love you guys okay

okay it's 5 minutes to 2009 now. Hopefully it'll be as great as this year, no doubt 2008 had its occasional ups and constant downs, i still enjoyed 2008 and will never regret living through it.

may the new year be filled with wonderful books, friends, love, joy, laughter and accomplishments for everyone!

It's New Year People!

2008-12-16T01:00:00.002+08:00

Where did all the fun time fly to?

freaking sian to the extend i actually enrolled into driving school. on impulse, when im already late for work this afternoon. irony of life.

i miss chalk, and the sexy voice over the phone. haha, all the 3rd party talk and the random here and there. mimi, nikk and kim should know. let's go back to mt. sophia again soon!

2008-11-18T23:52:00.003+08:00

We all love Bubu Lio's new zia camera. because he not only takes nice pictures of non-living building and objects, he takes nice photos of us too and let us play around with it!

Amanda's Birthday Dinner - the first time in many weeks i dragged myself out of the house for a gathering with friends, and i totally enjoyed it!

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

together, we made so many 'our/us signature jokes' in Ambassadors e.g. too invovled.. TTM..

Mr. Commando, hopefully Mr. Cleo Bachalor as well!

can you see who's dead?

i love this! because i took it, i think!

presenting Miss Ang, who just recently turned 20. and totally dont act like one

Sir yes Sir! haha KIV Mr. Cleo Bachalor also!

any recommendation on how to shed those double chin away?

favourite photo of the day!

despite the no life routine and tiring hours of work. i believe i'm really enjoying working my ass off for PRCP because i know its damn worth it with so much things to learn and also not to let down the Staff Nurses who are always so willing and there to teach, even those which we're not suppose to touch or necessary to learn.

o. and RED Camp 5 is happening soon in hours!

2008-11-11T21:38:00.002+08:00

if i were to single out one most negative emotion i'd felt/experienced in my whole life till now. it's abandonment. This is closly followed by betrayal and utter disappointment.

they say abandonment and betrayal hurts really bad. even more so when it's by your own family members - the ones whom you thought who'll will be there in times when you need reassurance and dependance.

over the year and a half, I really thought i come to trust them again and was so ready to let go and forgive them for what they did to me last year. however, things just showed that i should never forgive or even forget their actions and words. I'm in such despair that i'm so willing to give up everything here and just go. while doubting my willpower and determination, i realsied i was really very tired - tired of being the good girl who doesn't need the watching over and concern and continously being nonchalant about things that hapen around me.

i'm heartbroken to be constantly bounced around and i'm angry with myself for allowing them to do so. thank goodness i have a place of my own or so to say, or God knows if i'll be homeless or chucked to another relative's place by the end of this year without much of a notice. To these people, i'm just a person who can be bought off with money and be took for granted to comply with every request and expectations they have. Come on lar, i may seem unconcern of stuff and how i'm being treated - but i really care and is affected. all the talk about how upset they'll be, how good they are to me, but who did it all benefit in the end but to who's convinence and who' at the losing and suffering end?

it hurts me even more to know that my poor parents could only shed tears over me and this halfway across the world because they're so helpless as well.

when my mum told me to forgive but never forget, i'm not too sure it's possible this time round. it's all tried and failed. their true colours showed last year, and it's as if the colours have been coloursave washed and now it's even brighter and obvious.

to comfort myself, i reminded myself every single day for the past 2 weeks - i just have to endure another 3 more years. 1 down already, it's just 3 more to go. with priorities and situation changes at this point in time, my reason for leaving in 3 years' time is to run away. to run away from this family of hypocrisy and selfishness.

i'll never forget the pain cast on me by them, and never forgive them for all the bitterness i've felt. it's the ultimate price they'll have to pay in the end.

2008-11-06T03:27:00.002+08:00

i love it when..

im able to spend a good 3 hours in Kinokuniya

when Kinokuniya decides to be super nice to let me find the old editions and titles of Danielle Steel books

the perfume ive been looking for came super cheap

lying on the sofa watching chickflicks with Joshua

when both of us were smitten with the same songs and actor

when the day passed by with our handphones quietly tucked away under our pillows

i really love it when it's off day on a weekday. and did i mention im totally in love with Oliver James, his voice, songs and accent?

* heart melts *

2008-10-19T23:47:00.001+08:00

2 weeks of pleasure, fun, great company. and it ended!

omg. im in some PRCP Denial stage now or smt. and I CANNOT FIND MY BLOODY NAMETAG!

14 weeks.. it's just 14 weeks..

Youth Leaders Academy 4

2008-10-07T01:02:00.000+08:00

It's Holidays!! Never felt happier because i'm just 5 more months away from the trip and Mummy already said she'll provide me with the shopping money - CLOTHES and MORE CLOTHES. o, and bags and shoes too! that leaves me with money to get a new iPod and a PSP. just thinking of it makes me thrilled.

and my threadless shirts arrived yesterday. actually they did long time ago, just that im too lazy to go all the way to Godma's to collect. and omg, i bought another 4 just now. so nice, so cheap so guilty!

Updates from last week's Hari Raya KTV. went to Kster with Ta, Boyfriend, his best friend Frog and Yiyun. sang till my voice almost went. the happening part came after the singing because i persuaded them to go back to SGH with me to collect my pencilcase, just because i cannot bear the thought of eaving it there for a day.

from this session, it's so damn obvious we're not the plan ahead type of people because we sat at SGH taxi stand for an hour plus just to decide where to go. home, or pgp, or JC's home, chinatown, city hall, marina square.. WHERE???!!!

in the end we walked. all the way from SGH to Tiko-man's Land (Chinatown) to Drunk-man's Land (Clarke Quay) to Businessman's Land (City Hall) to Hongkong.. Cafe at Marina Square. at 6am.

Deciding what to eat. Supper for Ta, Breakfast for the rest of us.

boyfriend and my breakfast. traditional cheena menu.

in the end. Ta, JC and I HTHT at Hongkong Cafe for 3 hours. so much for wanting to go home and nap for our afternoon appointments. in the end JC woke up at 3pm, and terribly late for his lunch. and I woke up at 10pm, dont even need to go for anything anymore. and i guess Ta just knocked out as well.

Ambassadors! finally met up with them at Sentosa yesterday while they're doing the filming for the Red Camp video. miss them so much!

VIKINGS!

The Crew

And bow to our Viking God, our Godly Figure. haha

I LOVE HOLIDAYS!!

2008-10-02T23:38:00.001+08:00

the feeling of unworth, doubt

and utter disappointment.

well, i just have to work harder at doing better.

2008-09-23T10:14:00.002+08:00

desparately needed to keep myself sane from all the crazy and unnesscessary stress. photos are aids to let me know that my world is not so bleak afterall, with friends like them around!

random outing Vivo La Vida with Vic, Jon, Christina & Derek.

2008-09-15T22:44:00.002+08:00

The Even-Odd Days Relationship

i unofficially broke up with Ivan last Saturday because he's going to enlist into far far away Tekong, but no tears were shed because I found someone within 2 hours after the break up phonecall!

I'm am now Cheong Cheong's Odd-Days Girlfriend from now onwards.

with Bestie Ta being his Even-Days girl. and 6 months pregnant.

super lame yet super funny. now we got a very nice and gentlemanly boyfriend to help us carry our bags when we go out. wee~

and o my. RESULTS ARE OUT! the last academic examinations and results in Ngee Ann. 3 years, gone in another few months' time.

where did all the time fly to???

2008-09-11T21:57:00.002+08:00

once upon a time

we hauled verbal assualts and criticisms at each other without fear and would look forward to the next round of putting each other down. either we hate each other openly forever or just laugh the issue off later.

now.

we hold everything back, cursing and swearing behind the person's back and still pretend to be okay about the whole situation. and its either we hate each other under wraps or hate ourselves for not being able to release the hatred in ful force.

fuck.

when did i became so conscientious and so guided by the consequences?

omg, my anger is ballooning and my patience is running. but thank God it's all going to be over soon.

NO MORE SHIT FROM SHITTY PEOPLE!

2008-09-08T02:07:00.003+08:00

crap. it's the start of the week again. but the not so crap part is that im finishing Haemato Ward attachment in another 5 days' time. well, at least thats worth celebrating.

it's not that i loathe the ward or something, but really, oncology is really not for me though i seriously learnt alot of things from there and the staff there are great.

o well. happier stuff, at least i had a good time over the weekend.

met with Amanda, Shyam, Teoxu, Joshua & Jag for Chomps on saturday night, and woah, it was pouring when i reached there. and the rain is like wtf heavy, still managed to get our tau huey and interesting conversations going on. all the ATCs, mother punae (whatever the spelling is), shelter you under my muscles, stalker talks. that was a really fun filled 4 hours.

i had to post the above photo - Joshua looked super gay towards Teoxu.

Anyway the highlight of this post is the meet up with The Second Story (minus Elliott & Jamie). i'll officially call this type of outing: Choco-Bitch Sessions. because we had fantastic chocolate fondues and lots of juicy and stress-relieving gossiping and bitching done.

was quite apologetic towards Stef though. I DIDNT REALISED IT WAS 7TH OF SEPTEMBER. i stupidly thought it was still the 5th and kept reminding myself to wish Stef Happy Birthday on Tuesday, bah.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY STEFFY BABY,

YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU ALOT!

and the chocolate stuff at Esplanade's Max Brennen is really good. so sinful but who cares. haha, as long as we share it, all the calories are divided!!

we agreed that we should do this fortnightly, since its so therapeutic (:

2008-08-28T21:08:00.002+08:00

it's almost Friday. and i'm really thanking God (:

it's quite hard for me to describe my feelings for attachment this time round, because its a real mixture of everything - fear, anxiety, excitment, exsperation, and so on.

let's just say i really don't know what to do and how to do things, felt and behaved like a total blockhead for the past few days. however, i am fortunate to have great nurses around me to teach and guide me along, though they're extremely busy.

omg, damn scared lar. haemo ward really no play play :(

i need to get out the house soon. if not im seriously going to rot through my attachment and PRCP!

CARMELITA & VICTOR SAVE ME!!

2008-08-22T03:27:00.003+08:00

Call me DRAMA MAMA!

because i finished 30 episodes in 1 day! okay, minus 10 episodes becuase i watched it on cable already. love this show man, so exciting lar! and Sammul Ng too!!

and i really like this guy belw. but shit, becuase hes like some calefare small fry in the show they dont even have his name on the drama's Wikipedia page ._. so handsome lar and i dont even know his name.

and yes! i've changed my blogskin which help from Victor Huang ar. actually wanted to ask him if i can borrow his blogskin/template because it's really damn nice and i like it alot. but thank god i didnt!! imagine he helped me change the code for enlarging the column only and its a dinner already. how many lunches and dinners considered sufficient for the whole freaking template??!!

okay chao. my 3am craving for sleep is calling!

2008-08-19T14:00:00.002+08:00

maybe falling sick right after examinations isnt so bad at all. gives me the excuse to stay at home and finish the drama i've been dying to watch during study week. Code Blue Code Blue!!

a short 6 days before attachement, and it's seriously not enough! with all the CCA points to key in, piano camp (wth, yes, piano camp), AAR & SOP for NDP, Ambassadors stuff.

i love my life man.

hopefully Taa will faster upload the photos of our random camwhoring and last night's KTV session. sian. i really love my life!

2008-08-17T03:19:00.003+08:00

十二蓮花無了時

墮落黑暗難見天少年賺錢是一時

老來怎樣過日子

可憐呀蓮花呀實在可憐代

Went to catch 12 Lotus at Great World City with Victor, Taa, Mark & Lejia yesterday, after a blood-boiling BBQ session and many cancellations of after-math party plans and driving mishaps.

i'm glad we finally resumed our plan to watch 12 Lotus.

all with different reasons also, Taa wanted to watch because of Stefanie Sun, I wanted to watch because I've been wanting to watch ever since i saw the poster being hang up at GV Plaza, Victor i'm not so sure, Mark was because I dragged him along.

but it was a great movie.

I love movies that lingers in your mind for days after you've watched it. and movies that sets questions, curiousity and discussion among your peers. this just makes you want to watch it again, and this is what i call a good movie.

im quite a cheena-pon person, thats why i like 12 Lotus, and how i wished i watched it with Terence Lio, who has this weird talent for explaining complicated and chim movie plots (maybe thats why he graduated from MCM.)

knowing how Mindee Ong got traumatised and bruised from the gang rape scene, to how Liu Ling Ling and Qi Yuwu felt the akwardness after the necklace fight, just shows how much effort the artiste put into making this movie so moving and tragic.

yar lar, adding to what Taa said on the bus just now: How tragic can one's life get?

I don't know, but from this movie, it shows that it only takes a man to ruin another person's life.

sad.

o, and congragulations to Jag Lin Cheng Jie for coming in 1st Runner Up in the NTU UOC Pagent!!

2008-08-15T18:08:00.002+08:00

HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOO

IM LINSAY LOHAAAAAAAANNNNNN

THIS I PRESENT TO YOU IS MISI EUGENIE YIEN

THE BEST NURSE TO BE

(and hopefully she doesnt kill someone by inserting a tube wrongly >.<)

the one in green (althought u cant see how terribly short it is)

is called YIYUN, aka ONE CLOUD

dont u just love her curly wurly hairrrrrrrrrrr :D:D:D

oh i forgot to tell you that we found our new idol

MR BUGS BUNNIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

we aspire to BA GEIS :P

by the way, this is a senseless post
cos some great person suggested some great idea of great blogging in each other's great blogs :D:D:D
yay

OH.
if.
you.
didnt.
know.
already.

IM TAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

misi eugenie yien's BEST FRIEND (:

and we're watching 12 lotus later. hohoho

ps: COFFEE, TEA or ME?????????

2008-08-14T22:19:00.002+08:00

i know i shld resume studying. but i really buay tanhan anymore. so i need to blog about how cheated and sad i feel RIGHT NOW.

LAUW YONG SHUN. ARGH

how can someone say that he's leaving on FRIDAY suddenly be gone on THURSDAY afternoon?? wtf cheater bug lauw yong shun. how can you do this to us when we're so nice to accompany you to the embassy to collect your visa on a scorching hot afternoon.. have farewell lunch with you.. and

YOU CHEATED OUR FEELINGS!!!

and i really wanted to call you and cry and say goodbye after my paper tomorrow

&%@$^$@^%

okay lar Achmed lookalike. I still love you nonetheless and must show us your hot ang moh girlfriend when you get one okay? take are and i'll miss you.

and count on the punch im going to give you when i see you in san fransico next year!

2008-08-06T16:10:00.002+08:00

Dammit. they're having fun without me. and my brother is FREAKING TALL!!

almost a year since they left, and almost a year i'm enjoying/tortured by the freedom they bestowed onto me with their departure. miss my family, but its okay! i'm counting down to March when i'll taste my mum's homecooked food again, plus all the shopping and rollarcoaster and all the crazy stuff i'll do!

SKYDIVING HERE I COME!

2008-07-28T00:19:00.004+08:00

The Moment

of celebrating weekends, bookouts, fabulous food, margaritas, birthdays, toys, retail, music & wonderful friendships

The Friday Moment @ Cafe Iguana with Taa, Victor, Eugene, Candice, Jacq, JC & 3 Macho Margaritas

it was camwhore paradise man. haha.

The Saturday Moment in town with Xiao Long Bao, Bags, KTV & Jareth's Birthday KTV

more photos available at: http://picasaweb.google.com/Eugenieyien

2008-07-27T04:34:00.001+08:00

The Moment

and many more ta & eugenie moments to come.

stay tune for more beautiful pictures of a beautiful ta, dua & others friendship (:

2008-07-25T04:26:00.001+08:00

STAY

2008-07-21T23:28:00.002+08:00

did i tell you before that..

I LOVE MONDAYS?

not only do classes end early. i'm able to meet up with friends and do random, crazy and fun stuff with!

went for sushi buffet with TAAAAAAAA. yes, so gonna grow fat because of al these sinful weekly buffets.

we love the roses from the underpass at orchard road (:

Introducing TAAAAAAAAAAA, my SIAO de from NDP Training. yes, the one who got drunk and smsed me that she wants to eat mustard but gave up because it was bitter.

drunk and high before NE3. only dear ta can do that.

Round 2 was with Ambassadors P&L at The Glass House. they gave both hannah and i such a lovely surprise with flowers and cake. so much for no cake huh Nikk. hahaha.

Birthday Girls of the same day!

i'm here rooted for you! time will help fade things, so cry all you want for now, but remember to smile when tomorrow comes!

2008-07-19T02:32:00.009+08:00

IT'S MY 19TH BIRTHDAY!
officially (: and from now on till like forever, I'm going to be 19 always!

Errol was nice to grab 2 slices of cake from the deli for me. and plus my bubble tea. haha, what's a birthday without cake right?
My mouth was full of chewy pearls (:This is Joyce Peh Shijia the Dua Chio Bu
Who got me instant noodles for my present with that lousy self made from post-it ribbons ._.
seriously i cant remember what peh shijia said that contributed to that expression on my face

i love hanging out in Corp Comms & at Joyce's & Errol's desks! haha

Thanks to this bunch of wonderful friends, i did not have to stay at home and sleep on my birthday.
special thanks to Cheryl, Huei Chin, Clement, Alex & Matthew. for the retardedly funny movie and the session at B&J's!
Natural. love their voice and the birthday song dedication, Home by Chris Daughtry.

Ended the day with a trip to Heartware Office. with the objective of having my birthday pizza with Victor Huang. Who knows, it ended up with McDonalds and Coffee Bean and watching them work their butt off for Connect Singapore training which is coming up in hours' time.

Who said Volunteerism was easy shit?

Memorable 2005. how time flies.

Just in case you all have no idea. This is Mr. Victor Huang. Whom I had this unexplainable sour relationship with the 1st year we knew each other's existance. omg, what a history.

Below is a video i took during the song dedication at Ben & Jerry's

The reason why this song meant so much to me was not only because it made me cry my heart out on the car after seeing off my mum and brother. but also it hold s a meaning which is so close to heart to me.

I'm staring out into the night,

Trying to hide the pain.

I'm going to the place where love

And feeling good don't ever cost a thing.

And the pain you feel's a different kind of pain.

Well I'm going home,

Back to the place where I belong,

And where your love has always been enough for me.

I'm not running from.

No, I think you got me all wrong.

I don't regret this life I chose for me.

But these places and these faces are getting old,

So I'm going home.

Well I'm going home.

The miles are getting longer, it seems,

The closer I get to you.

I've not always been the best man or friend for you.

But your love, it makes true.

And I don't know why.

You always seem to give me another try.

So I'm going home,

Back to the place where I belong,

And where your love has always been enough for me.

I'm not running from.

No, I think you got me all wrong.

I don't regret this life I chose for me.

But these places and these faces are getting old,

So I'm going home.

I'm going home.

Be careful what you wish for,

'Cause you just might get it all.

You just might get it all,

And then some you don't want.

Be careful what you wish for,

'Cause you just might get it all.

You just might get it all, yeah.

Oh, well I'm going home,

Back to the place where I belong,

And where your love has always been enough for me.

I'm not running from.

No, I think you got me all wrong.

I don't regret this life I chose for me.

But these places and these faces are getting old.

I said these places and these faces are getting old,

So I'm going home.

I'm going home.

in the past i'd always wished for total freedom from my parents, so desperately that i almost ran away form home before. yar, now i have the total freedom i dreamt of. but it just don't feel the way i thought i should be.

not that i regret staying here instead of leaving with my parents, neither am i enjoying it. I'm taking this as a journey of learning and reflection while i make my way bac to my parents and family again - going home.

this year's birthday is definately different because this is my first birthday im celebrating without my parents and a home. though the day had been happy, this emptiness still swamp over me the whole day.

i want to go home.

2008-07-15T00:14:00.003+08:00

Food & Lots of Friendship Day!

screw the monday blues

Among all the Mondays i've had for the past few months, this Monday was definately the best. Celebrating friendship with glorious food!

Sushi Buffet with Jolene, Elliott & Chester after class. damn happy as i've been craving for sushi for like econs.

When my dear friend Victor 'Hu-wang' sms-ed with regards to dinner plans, i seriously thought he messaged the wrong person. Such a bo sim person will ask for dinner gathering on a Monday night?

haha, had lots of fun catching up with him and Mas at Holland Village, despite the irritating fact i lost my atm/debit cards at I-Don't-Know-Where. o man, seriously miss those days of volunteerism with the old Heartware people.

to qoute Mr. Huang: A Hungry Man is an Ugly Man. totally agree (:

How I wish everday would remain this way - carefree, relaxed and totally enjoyable. or perhaps i should just reserve this for Mondays, to chase away all the Monday Blues!

2008-07-08T03:14:00.003+08:00

I was freaking happy when I heard their beautiful voices when I walked past The CD Shop today. After which I spent half an hour inside just deciding on which of the 2 CDs they have there to buy (anw, the picture above is not the newest album they have - i just randomly dug out some photos i had of them).

I LOVE LIBERA BOYS CHOIR

omg. im like damn high on their voices now and while dozing off on the bed just now, i even dreamt of them singing. the best dream ive ever had/remember :)

2008-07-07T04:41:00.003+08:00

we're BIG & SMALL

And we've got a lousy aim
I Lurvb You TAAAAAA!

2008-07-05T00:12:00.000+08:00

in order to attempt to save this dying blog, i've decided to list down 20 random facts about myself (this is an excuse to run away from doing assignments and deployment plans)

so here we go:

I have a love-hate (more of the hate) relationship with human having Y-chromosomes in their DNA
I hate waking up in the morning
I only work at night after 12midnight
My secret ultimate wish is to be the NDP Parade Commander 1 day (established since last year)
I don't like children most of the time (NE Shows are torturous, because they're everywhere)
It's very hard to get me motivated to do anything
I love chocolate cakes, with those sinful chucks of chocolate fudge everywhere
I think having alot of money is sinful (alot meaning being millionares/billionares, stuff like that.)
My favourite colours are Blue, Black, Red & Green
I love photographs and photographers
I hate going back home before the sky turns dark
I seriously don't think smoking is cool or necessary
I bite my nails when I panick or feel extremely lost
I like the numbers 2 and 7
I think men look very good in military uniform (if they wear it properly lar). They should just wear them everyday
I pms quite frequently
I love it when people ask me out to eat Char Kway Teow, Oyster Fry, Carrot Cake and drink Sugar Cane Juice with lemon. even if thats the main purpose for meeting.
I try to find my real meaning in life every single day
I love tulips and the fantasy world like Harry Potter, Penelope and Nanny McPhee type of stories
I have this weird obession with notebooks. I have tons of them at home and don't use them at all most of the time

Well, its fun to do this, because i always think im weird. but after looking at the random stuff i like/do not like, i think im pretty much normal as well! haha. i should sleep, because i don't really know what i'm typing anymore.

2008-06-26T00:00:00.000+08:00

second production by The Second Story for NS5NSL Project. wee.

2008-06-25T12:09:00.002+08:00

with so many problems coming up, like whether or not im going to get debarred from exams soon, to ndp deployment details, to whether or not should i quit ndp and the bbq this saturday which im almost totally unprepared for.

but the most prominent problem which we (jolene, stef, jamie, myself and elliott. and maybe chester if he's listening) facing in the way now is...

HOW THE HELL YOU INSERT A TAMPON UP YOUR ******

yeah man. if you know how - please tell us (:

2008-06-22T04:57:00.004+08:00

while waiting inside the consultation room for the nurse to stuff gauze to treat my menses-like nosebleed this morning. i thought to myself: am i happy enough to die?

obviously the answer was no, considering how heartbroken, angry, sad, frustrated, hatred, tears and all the negative emotions one can feel at one time last night.

with the mindmap imagination and thought process i have, the question developed to: am i always this unhappy?

my doctor assured me that i am not, it's just a moment surge of emotions when my hormone level elevate. he said this with the exact words: you are by far the most entertaining patient i've ever had.

._.

well, to find proof that i'm not always this unhappy, i dug out some of my favourite pictures from my phone when i reached home. though i cannot really remember each and every occasion when i took that photo, but it's confirm. i was happy when i took it.

the nosebleed did go away eventually. i think most of my sadness went with it as well. and i'm glad to realise that eventhough the happy times passed, the happy memories stays in photos and it'll all come back when you actually take your time to look at it and start remembering.

2008-06-17T02:13:00.010+08:00

done with all the miserable stuff. i reliased i've been blogging more, but all are complaints and whining of how miserable my life is. SO, im going to talk abt something happier.. like Ambassadors' Training & Bonding Camp!

Initially when i just sccepted the role to plan for TNB, i was like: shit Eugenie, you don't even like camps and you've never planned one before!

But thank God i'm blessed with a team of dedicated Ambassador who were behind me for the whole course from planning to execution of the camp.

Day 0 at The Loft
Cheryl is stressed over PT - i think

Anizsah wants to kill me because of all the work ive given her - confirm.
and who says planning was easy and neat?
hard at work i think and i hope?
Introducing the new Group 4: when we cheer, we roar!

we have joy.. we have fun..

3 blind mice. haha

introuding my 2 lovely and beloved Assistant Leaders aka My Personal Assistants (:

and we go: We're Leaders already!!!!!

Ambassadors EXCO 2008/09

we had fun. but seriously, don't ask.

Ambassadors 2008/09

2008-06-15T16:08:00.003+08:00

after seeing how Joyce's father showered concern over her when i sent her to the busstop on the last night of TNB, i couldn't help myself but think of my own Dad again. yar, stupid as I was, i cried all my way back to the Loft. i miss my Dad and the way he hold his hands behind his back while walking in front of me whenever he brings me anywhere.

and i miss his totmato-sauce giant prawns. and the eggs he made for me in the morning that do not fail to make me puke everytime. and how he will help me wash my clothes and cook for me after every camp i have.

i'm not too sure if i've introduced my Dad to my friends before, There he is in the photo, all bloated up fat because of all the high-protein meals in the States. He's my wonderful Dad whom i've failed to appreciate for the past don't know how many years.

To Daddy, thank you for raising me up, and i hope you have a great birthday on the 29th (perferbaly with Mummy and Jowin, not alone in some other state).

2008-06-07T05:29:00.001+08:00

sometimes, a sweet thing like shouting I MISS YOU across the road to someone, can really make someone feel really missed.

I MISS YOU TOO!

2008-06-04T00:49:00.003+08:00

CONGRAGULATIONS!

to my 2 stupid friends Zaid (the one with the very big mouth) and Edmund (the one with the very shocked+amused look)

for becoming Chairman/President of their respective school Student Council!

yes. and they are also officially appointed by me to be my Information Sources from RP & SP from now on.

for some unknown reasons i just feel so happy and proud of them. haha, or maybe just because it's Zaid and Edmund who naturally drives my adrenaline level high!

2008-06-01T19:49:00.003+08:00

i really miss my mum and dad.

they are not the type of parents who will pamper and encourage their children with all the 'i love you's 'it's okay you tried your best'.

they are the type of parents you'll hate being with and cannot wait to leave them and lead a better life on your own.

now i want them very badly. it really makes me want to cry when friends or others around me talk about their dads and moms. it's only when they're away then i realise their good and their effort in bringing me and my brother up.

now i regret missing all the home-cooked food for KFC and McDonalds with my friends. i regret not spending the time to take a walk around the neighbourhood because i want to spend more time in bed.

i really feel bad now for being such a difficult daughter when they were here. always demanding more when unknowingly they already given me their all and me having more than enough. always blaming them for not enough attention when they're the ones around me when im sick and waking up at irregular hours to make sure i eat my medication.

i dont grow up with all the i love you-s and all the hugs.

but i can clearly remember the concern and worried eyes of my mum when we walked through the airport gates. I regretted not crying then, letting her know i dont want her to be gone.

and for the past 10 years, i always thought my parents dont give a shit about me. only when i handle all the financial issues i realised how much my dad's paycheck goes to my pocket money, transportation, my broadband services, our studies and further studies and the extra things I asked. and now i know all the types of insurances my mum woukd buy to secure a better future for my brother and i. how hard my parents have to work to maintain a shlter above our heads and food on the table.

and being ungrateful, i'll always complain even though what i had in front of me was more than i could take.

i could almost hear my mum cry over the phone when she knew i was sick with a high fever and no one was there for me.

to my parents who dont do hugs and i love you-s.

i love you, and thank you for raising me.

2008-06-01T15:49:00.005+08:00

its been ages, i know, since i last updated this page. Nothing mucg to update anyway, unless you want to see me nagging about how much I wanna give up everything and just, give up.

pictures time..

photos from last Saturday's NDP Training. yes, NDP. if someone didnt forget to invite me to his graduation, the following 2 photos would not have been taken on Saturday. Damn irritating and bosim right, only bothered to call when he walked pass Ambassadors' Room and right before his graduation.

with See Hong
I think i should just break up with him ._.

Training Dept. Duo (taaaaa~ and i)
ms deputy chairman and ms secretary
mr. logistics and i

And here comes Amanda Ang's Graduation.

well. thats it for now. till the next time i feel like updating this page :)

2008-05-17T22:08:00.000+08:00

im damn tired.

and im not even halfway there.

i am tired.

2008-05-11T23:52:00.003+08:00

it feels so good to catch up with friends from Secondary School. okay, maybe just him because i make no effort to talk to other people from my old school.

Sometimes i really thank God that I came to Ngee Ann.

Where real friends are found.

But it's just feels good to be able to talk to people whom you have not contacted for years.

*photos from recent escapades will be uploaded soon!

2008-04-26T14:21:00.002+08:00

not that i was forcing out a smile in those pictures. i really love being with my friends and visiting Crystal Jade for Dim Sums.

it's just that...

I'm hating life recently. I don't even know what i'm doing and why i'm doing it. Deadlines, SOPs, fuck them all seriously.

i'm constantly in the situation whereby I will wake up, and tell myself to go back to sleep again because there's nothing for me to do. Despite the fact there's a mountain load of shitwork awaiting me somewhere here and there.

God. If life now is like this. I really think my life will come to a full stop when i start PRCP later this year and work next year.

i should seriously just give everything up and go find my parents. at least i find myself useful barating my brother around and eating and sleeping alot in front of my parents are not considered lazy and no life. it'll be being filial eating with parents and being a good girl because i don't go out everyday and mingle with bad people.

2008-04-22T00:14:00.002+08:00

im not giving you any opportunity to forget how i look like just because i abandoned this site for 4 weeks.

YES. Eugenie's back from China and she just started week 2 of Year 3 and feels like dying RIGHT NOW.

2008-03-23T01:59:00.002+08:00

i can never be at home and getting ready for a trip. this time round, i was out at Minds Cafe with Mas, Cint, Joanne, Moko, Vic, Shuan & Elaine. old time volunteers of Heartware.

had a roll of a time playing simple yet stupid games. never had so much fun with games before.

and. Mas and i won the challenge!

haha. will blog again soon in China if i get connection, which is highly unlikely.

bye bye for now!

2008-03-22T06:51:00.003+08:00

IT'S BACK AGAIN!!

okay, my craze for basketball is back again. my hots for Gao Tian Qi is back again. and yet again i completed the whole seies in 1 day. it's 7am and im not sleeping yet!!

God, now i feel like going to Taiwan and just go and confess to Gao Tian Qi that i've never stopped liking him ever since Secondry 2.

OMG. i feel so excited seeing him on screen to the extend i just wanna jump around!!

crazy crazy.

2008-03-16T14:41:00.008+08:00

i dont want to talk about my attachment, though it has been fantastic and fun. what more to expect when you get to work with your good friends and end up with great nurses?

i dont want to talk about my results, because it's so disappointing to the extend got such a shock and gastric. whatever, i believe there's better things beyond grades AND i believe jolene and I will strive harder in our final academic semester, right babe?

but i want to talk about the fabulous time Stef, Jolene, Elliott & I had after the trivia. we went to the Greek Masterpieces from The Louvre at the Singapore National Musesum on Friday. an agreement made long ago and finally fulfilled. Though like the Singapore Art Museum trip, not very inspired or impressed by the pieces, but still enjoyed it nonetheless.

and the museum itself was so beautiful and nice we spent most of our time there camwhoring - hey, whats new? haha

initially i thought that Greece was one place with culture that respected women and held them in high regards, from all the misleads from movies like 300 and Troy. but wth, it's no different from other places. a woman's life is like a deed, belonging to the father at birth, transferred to the husband when she marry or to the next living male when the father dies. pathetic.

besides the sculptures, 1 thing i like about the exhibition was that they printed famous qoutes from Greek philosopers/gods on the panels, and some of them i thought was quite good:

The righteous man has nothing to fear neither in life, nor in death, and the Gods will not forsake him

Tragedy is presented in the form of ation, not by narration; by means of pity and fear bringing about purgation of such emotions - Aristotle

After the exhibition, we continued our search for Mount Sophia. do you guys remember the condo behind Plaza Singapura and the long flight of stairs beside it? I will laugh at the people staying there whenever Shyam or Teoxu drive pass it to get to the carpark at PS because of the stupid location and the flight of stairs, damn sad, have to climb all the way up to get back home.

but. WHAT THE FUCK. all along im laughing at myself as well because to get to the lost Mount Sophia, we had to climb that never-ending flight of stairs!!!

SEE!!! how to climb???!!!

OMG, i swear my asthma almost came up from all the climbing, whining and laughing.

See? even this guy knows how hard it is to get there.

but it's worth it i guess, not as crowded as Dempsey. i love the old school structure and the serenity (:

a school will always be a school i guess.

how i wish this could be my paradise.

and damn, this place will be crowded soon because i just saw the advertisement on TV introudcing Mount Sophia ._. roar.

//more photos will be updated when Stef Peng upload her share. haha. wholeload of campwhoring.

love you girls!

2008-03-11T02:01:00.002+08:00

the last 1 month, i think i spent close to 200 bucks on books. and it's not surprising, seeing that i visit Kinojuniya every weekend and buy at least 2 books each trip.

but i guess my greatest pick out of the stack is this two books called Sky of Love, a 2 volume title actually. it's been a long time since i read a whole book in chinese, because they dont have the English version (the original is is Japanese).

feel so accomplished, finishing all those chinese characters all in 2 days.

how i wish Kino to be situated right beside my place or something. there's so many books i set my eyes on and dying to buy.

God, im going to start a library for retirement. haha, do visit then!

2008-03-04T00:11:00.004+08:00

retreat. deep inside of me, i feel the pain seeing my seniors graduate. esp wonderful seniors like Amanda, Joyce, Marvin, Junwei, Ivan and etc.

next tear will be my turn. and i really hope it'll never come.

2008-02-27T00:05:00.000+08:00

when most people will reserve their first time on the Singapore Flyer for their other half, i went on it with the most unexpected bunch of people.

Amanda, Yong Shun & Joshua.

haha. from now onwards known as the Singapore Flyer Good Friends Gang

2008-02-19T19:17:00.002+08:00

I AM SERIOUSLY VERY UPSET

though it's just a pair of cheap spectacles. and not very fantastic also. can just easily buy another one.

BUT IM REALLY VERY UPSET

to the extend i cried.

spectacles are the only type of stuff my mum will bring me along to buy for me.

2008-02-10T22:14:00.000+08:00

ARE YOU HAPPY THIS CHINESE NEW YEAR?

let's grow fat together on bak kwa!!

2008-02-02T02:27:00.000+08:00

BAHH.

if i had 28 million from winning TOTO or 4D i would..

1. build a place like Old SJI (Singapore Art Museum) and call give it a chinese name call Ning An Yuan (for potato eating people like Stef, it means garden of Serene & Peace), and dedicate 1 wing each to Stef, Elliott & Jolene, and maybe a gym for Chester.

2. open a shop. sell cheesecake, notebooks, ice cream, whatever.

3. buy myself a collection of books and korean drama

just dreaming.

2008-02-01T01:26:00.000+08:00

BAD LUCK GO AWAY!!

these few weeks had been such a jinx. so many unfortunate stuff that happened to people around me. must be because chinese new year's coming - the qouta for unfortunate events must be met before a new beginning starts.

next week im quite determined to start studying despite the new year preparations, anyway what's there for me to prepare? have to work hard for this time's examinations, because i want to get to Year 3 successfully and graduate (though i really just want to stay here forever), and have my life journey beyond compulsory education started soon.

we had our 2nd group outing on Thursday, an unfruitful trip to be inspired at the Singapore Art Museum. but we had some fun there, camwhoring.

during some moments of the half a month that i've MIA-ed from this stupid little internet space, i've been thinking: I haven't Friends-Hopped for close to 2 years already. I always known myself as those who will get sick of things very quicky and am in costant search of some other new and refreshing things, thus not having many close friends throughout my whole teenage period.

however, as i progressed to poly, i found myself 2 groups of friends whom i unknowingly stuck with for 2 years. i'm not complaining, because not only am i not sick of them, but also they are with me through thick and thin. my moodswings, the departure of my family, when i feel lousy, and basically accpeting me for being me.

The Second Story - where all of us had our first stories badly ended

and from Ambassadors - for all the stupid things that keep our boring lives surprisingly entertaining

with friends like you people, i can afford to be stupid with you, to whom i may be sincere, and also think aloud.

2008-01-14T04:26:00.000+08:00

KDRAMA TIME!

what are the chances that a girl meeting and losing her first love at the age of 15, and and the effects of it follows throughout her whole life, and the only one person she will ever truly love is that very first boy?

Hwang Jin Yi (drama series)

felt damn sad after watching the 1st 10 episodes in 1 day. yar, the fact that the story was sad itself, and also i pitied my own first love was so insignificant and meaningless to me that it didnt feel like a first love at all! thats the same for the rest.

but a note to make myself feel better: IT'S ALL FAKE!

who the hell will die due to heartbreak nowadays, and especially at the age of 15??!!

2008-01-10T03:45:00.000+08:00

I thought I'd be strong, independent and uncaring for my parents enough to pull through this. Apparently I'm not. It just hurts so much and it hurts even more when they are not around to know that I'm hurting. Tears can only be kept to myself as no one will understand how 'Still got video conference', 'Got visits, and you'll visit them soon' totally don't help at all.

Counting down. 2 times a week, 8 times a month, 96 times a year, 480 times in total.

im left with only 452 times of crying alone.

2008-01-08T00:00:00.000+08:00

Well, haven't been feeling the need to blog lately. but i'm freaking bored and Facebook no longer interests me that much. so here we go.

Finally the feeling of LONELINESS sets in. no Mum to bitch with, no Brother to yell at and no Dad to stretch out hand for money. it's the sense of being 'unwanted' and this feeling is at it's peak when one's sick.

thus the need to stay out of the fake home as much as possible. thinking of working and also taking up a new CCA. though im not as enthusiatic about opening my lecture notes and start revising/studying of the exams, which should be of higher priority of a student in need to buck up and shakes off all the B grades.

ULTIMATE SIANSATIONS

just feel like dying sometimes. seems so much easier.

Photos that should be posted some time ago: Visiting TeoXu & Mobbers @ Orchard

2007-12-13T23:50:00.000+08:00

Due to an unexpected family crisis, my parents and brother flew back from the States for a week. It's a happy thing ultimately, because this is definately my first time not seeing my family for 3 months, and the next time i'll see them will probably be when i visit them next year.

crap, i told myself its nothing. but 3 drops of tears still dropped down. Anyway went to Bottle Tree Park again for their last dinner here for the year/s.

2007-12-12T00:14:00.000+08:00

i seriously hate this period of the month.

NOTHING FEELS RIGHT.

2007-12-04T23:58:00.000+08:00

1 faithful husband

19 children

countless grandchildren and great grandchildren

89 years of life.

my grandpa finally left this world happily this morning.

though im not close to him at all, i still can remember how he used to hold my hand and buy candies for me whenever i visit him in the market, and the bumpy rides on the trolley he'll give me when he comes home from business.

the last time i visited him was when he was hospitalised earlier this year. i'll never forget the way he held my hand and told me he was in pain. sometimes im still secretly glad that he has that bit of impression that i exisited among his so many unknown grand and great grandchildren.

when i believe that he's happily united with grandma after 30 odd years of separation, a war is about to start soon in that old house.

2007-12-03T17:58:00.000+08:00

WEE!! Common Tests are over for me.. like last Wednesday.

They reason why we nurses start and end early is because we have to drag our miserable selfs to the various hospitals for attachment.

After geng-ing 1 year's worth of attachment in Tan Tan Seng, where i should not be, I'm finally back to homebase - SGH! Thank goodness the ward staff and nurses are nice, except the fact i think knowing how to speak Malay is essential in my Room, since more than half of my patients can only converse in Malayu ._.

Anyway.... it's photos updating time!

This is what i did to Errol's cubicle poster. haha.

we're hiding the fact that we're quite pissed at the fact we had to come back to school despite it being HOLIDAYS after CT. we're angels (:

Below are the shots from our Ommimax Outing last Friday. Finally it's like the whole team gathered! O, and i brought Mei Mei along as well!

Note to Jolene: I'm NOT good with kids at all. Just Mei Mei and Castie!

Elliott cant hide...

I think this is our first GROUP photo with everyone present//

AWWW...
For nicer edited photos of the outing, please visit Jolene's Blog @http://breadbutteredonallsides.blogspot.com/

I'm just hopeless with Photoshop.

And on Saturday, I brought Castie to visit this Doggie Tea Party at Bollywood Veggie with Errol & Daphne, some ulu place in one corner of Singapore. So many cute dogs lar!

Errol at work
Daphne's Dog - Happy!
that furball i wanted to grab home.

till next time!

2007-11-25T04:20:00.000+08:00

VIKINGS OEI!

Red Camp 4 finally ended yesterday. as promised, it was better, grander, and more fun compared to last year.

This year, I'm yet again in the Green Team, but we're called the Vikings for a change. The Horny Vikings - because vikings wear horn helmets (: and together leading the tribe was Errol & Daphne as Student Mentors, Joyce, Hannah & I as Chief Student Leaders.

okay.. there's like freaking alot of photos from Red Camp 4. so not gonna upload & caption them all because it will take forever.

with Errol & Hannah - and the pink cheongsam teddy
with the Red Campers at FMS walk of fame
with Elda
Student Leaders - Vishal, Weiming, Huei Chin & Joyce
Jon & Hannah
SM & CSL
SLs & Red Campers

Amanda Darling ~

With Ernie (:

For SLs, From Red Campers

2007-11-23T00:51:00.001+08:00

okay. to let you know im not dead yet.

Errol, Hannah, Me & Daphne

Im just busy with having fun at RED Camp 4 & with the Horny Vikings!

and busy worry how i will die for next week's common test ._.

2007-11-19T02:04:00.000+08:00

sometimes it just feels good to watch long time ago show you loved in the past.

I already forgotten how touching the story Heaven's Coins 3 was till i watched it again last night online.

your're my heaven's coin

2007-11-15T17:03:00.000+08:00

i kind of calculated something interesting last night while waiting for Shaym & Amanda at Chomps

came across this auntie and uncle who was selling tissue paper there, quite a usual sight.

but this auntie very smart. she fixed price her tissue at 3 packets at $1.20

if..

she sells 10 of this 'package' in 1 hour, and she and he uncle walk around the various hawker centres to sell this for around 8 hours a day, and provided they work 7 days a week..

they'll earn approximately $2,688 a month!

crap.

and that's minus all the 'tips' we give them when we reject the change if we give them $2.

okay lar. have to take in consideration that they may not sell that much in a day, and all the medical expenses since they are quite old.

o well.

2007-11-04T23:01:00.000+08:00

Go Check out the RED Camp 4 Blog!

2007-11-03T16:36:00.000+08:00

When things start to get abit of frustrating, and sometimes even irritating and blood boiling.

GOOD FOOD & COMPANY

always helps(:

2007-10-26T21:29:00.000+08:00

BAH\\
still in denial.

2007-10-25T21:32:00.000+08:00

YES! I'm back to blogging with lots of photos and good stuff to share!

firstly, school started, like finally. wont elaborate much on it because i need like alot more time to bitch, i mean, blog, about my interesting 1st 2 and a half weeks of school :)

and there was the long awaited Poly Forum Gathering, which was pathetically attened by less than 10 people. but o well, had tonnes of fun still. especially with Zaid and his: IT'S JUST FREAKING POTONG ICE CREAM!!! JUST THROW IT AWAY & HURRY UP!! sorry uncle (bus driver) they're just being giam siap (stingy) (about the potong ice cream). O My, at that moment i really wanted to dig a hole and hide from the bus full of stares.

And there was Ambdassadors EXCO Chalet. this i wont say much because it's all kinda confidential (HA!), however it's all damn fun and funny. espcially with only 1 down and all up when everything ends. the 1 was our entertainment in the very end (:

haha. and for my favourite ENTERTAINMENT UPDATES!!!

i'm currently hooked onto this 2 english series: Kyle XY and Gossip Girls! introduced by my dear Elliott. and i really cannot get enough of it! there's like so many hot guys in it and whoa, all the beautiful clothes in Gossip Girls!

From Kyle XY...

from Gossip Girls..

WOAH, damn hot. but the hottest thing ever is still being able to be surrounded by great friends. To The Beginning of a Great School Term! Cheers!

2007-10-04T22:37:00.000+08:00

OMG.

ive just finished watching my favourite korean drama in my life yet. Surgeon Bong Dal Hee.

maybe it's because of the many medical stuff and procedures insie that attracted me so strongly... damn exciting can??

and and!! my first time falling for a doctor. okay, doctor tv character. man, i really love Doctor Ahn though he's short and quite ugly. but he's so intelligent! i really went WAH with absolute awe with his intelligence on screen. i like.... haha.

2007-10-01T23:09:00.000+08:00

Nannys' Day out with Stef and Mei Mei

2007-09-30T23:33:00.000+08:00

BuBu's Day Out photos!
im so getting addicted to picasa and it's slideshows. because i very lazy to load one by one!

2007-09-24T00:07:00.000+08:00

Went over to TeoXu's place for mooncake and tea after the Ambassadors' BBQ yesterday. man, miss the lot so much: Amanda, Shyam, Lisa & TeoXu.

we had fun with the lanterns! and the mooncakes and chinese tea! and the endless gay moments and camwhoring.